Beauty in the Breakdown
by Natalie Tissot
My discovery of yoga and the philosophy behind it could not have come at a better time. A seemingly life-ending break-up from a high school sweetheart had me praying to God and seeking Mighty intervention to get my relationship with the ‘love-of-my-life’ mended and forever sealed into everlasting matrimony. Really? In retrospect, I can only smile and feel such gratitude for this event and it’s implied ending. After a few months of self-pity and difficulty concentrating on my studies for my bachelor’s degree in science, my mother surreptitiously slipped a copy of Richard Hittleman’s Yoga: 28 Day Exercise Plan on my bed. I picked it up out of desperation. I did not want to feel the way I did. I was young, able-bodied, intelligent and adventurous. This could not be the end of me! Then why was I having difficulty sleeping? Why was I losing weight? Why did I feel isolated and in need of isolation? In the absence of clinical depression, a feeling of despondency is a normal part of the human condition. An understanding of this natural reaction to pain, rejection and loss was not enough to get me out of my rut. With prayers left unanswered and with the possibility of failing my semester, I was in a stall anticipating a crash. Although my mother’s support, her gentle encouragement in the ritual of night time prayers and the insistence of placing my trust into the God above was her way to show compassion, it is her gift of the black and white paperback copy and its message of yoga that poked a beam of light through that dark tunnel. One day at a time I forced myself to dive into the 28 day program by reading the philosophy, doing the yoga postures, breathing and meditating. I did the 28 day program on a continuous loop for one year. As my body got stronger and as my mind opened up to the beauty of the teachings of yoga, I started sleeping, eating nutritiously and breathing as a tool to clear my mind.
The inner discipline I practiced in accordance to the teachings of yogic philosophy taught me the invaluable lesson of self-love. I began to feel at peace by cultivating contentment and compassion for myself and for others. As my relationship with myself began to deepen, relationships with others began to flourish. How freeing to embody the belief in the power within you to live with a generous spirit without expecting something in return from an external force. This perceived tragedy became a valid teacher in my path to my higher self. By slowly abandoning my desire for a certain outcome with a certain someone within a certain time frame, I was free to learn, grow and evolve. Now capable of asking myself difficult questions about me, about my truths, about my responsibility in my failed relationship, I was able to welcome and accept my limitations while being attentive to my inner teacher and the power within me for change. My sense of self no longer relied on external love, I slowly began to feel whole and my sense of being became clearer.
Fast forward a year and a half, I ran into my ex-boyfriend while on an evening stroll that could be described as the perfect scene in a romantic movie. The Aurora Borealis’ magical properties of colliding energies, the crispness of the night that invited closer contact, and the surprise encounter’s serendipitous feel joined in to add drama and visceral, sensorial responses. Everything my body was feeling with the help of sight, sound, touch, smell and taste was making me weak. Feelings of nostalgia, rejection, longing, hope, betrayal came racing down my body. My senses were leaving an imprint of hunger to feel and indulge once again in this relationship that had once dulled us and made us insensitive and careless with one another. After a few moments of taking deep breaths I realized that my inner teacher, my true self knew exactly what was happening; a trip down memory lane with a ‘WANTED: EGO BOOST’ sign on my back. I quickly withdrew giving him some lame and awkward excuse and continued my walk. This state of forward motion was perhaps the most invigorating walk I have ever taken. I did not give in to my thoughts or my senses. I cleansed my body with movement and breath. I focused on the stars, the northern lights, the smell of the air, the regular beat of my feet tapping on pavement. It is the lesson of asking myself tough questions, not seeking instant gratification that has cracked my ego . Is this my truth all the time? I wish. As I fail, make mistakes, surrender to impulse buys, conquer my desires, choose mindfully and detach myself from possessions, I hope to teach my daughters by example the essence of yoga. I trust that they can remove any prejudices and preconceived notions of how things should look, taste, feel, smell and sound to connect with their inner truths and not the truths explained to them on television, newspapers, internet, and by sources other than the voice inside of them.
Evolution is the greatest show on Earth. Through nature’s randomness we are forced to embrace diversity, accept beauty and destruction and appreciate life without putting our faith in an external force. Yoga is an invitation to your personal truth, to that place of silence and peace. Events big and small present themselves every day. The biggest lesson from yoga that I have learned is that chipping away at the ego and living in your truth gives freedom to love unconditionally. As my spirit nudges itself back and forth from life lesson to life lesson like a tree’s branches swaying to varying wind speeds, I trust that the power of yoga is the fertile soil that keeps me on solid ground in a state of constant growth. So…. thank you yoga!